I bought a surprise present of summer clothes for my wife Fran, then confused the surprise enough to almost mess it up. At least I was confused. I'm a better clothes-shopping companion than many a husband, which is a handy thing because she has a visual handicap which uses a companion's assistance with colors and style and so on. In our eighteen years of married life I've learned quite a bit about her tastes, and about communicating with her, so she really makes the choices herself and most of her friends like most of them—even her daughter.

A problem is that I don't like mooching through the women's clothing departments, sometimes for hours. She has friends who enjoy shopping with her, but they never seem to agree exactly and consistently with her. Fortunately I really think she looks great in the clothes we buy.

But--if the saleslady talks to me instead of to her, I don't like it because I know it won't work. If she talks to her instead of to me I know, for egotistic reasons, that won't work either. So I was pleased—even excited—to find a catalog from the original Vermont Country Store, Purveyors of the Practical & Hard to Find. It offered a variety of women's clothing styles definitely including Fran's, and there were good pictures, too. The thought of shopping from our recliners in the family room put a smile on my face. I mentioned the possibility to her and she agreed to give it a try.

When we found time, we spent several pleasant hours in the family room and, later, I went over my notes (sizes, colors, prices etc.) and selected four items I liked and thought were likely to win her favor for family-room shopping. Without mentioning it to her, I ordered a seersucker jacket and matching culottes, a white blouse with lace and a band at the bottom, and a "cozy" which is an indoor shawl with pockets (much easier to get on and off than a sweater).

I ordered the four packages, gift wrapped, and began an impatient wait. A day or two later Fran said, "When are we going to order something from the Vermont store?" I said pretty soon and she said, "I'm particularly anxious to try the posture-support bra." I shouldn't have been surprised since she worries about back trouble which threatens her posture. I had the bra order in the mail that night since I felt the entire conspiracy was threatened by my forgetting her emphasis on the bra.

I was SURPRISED when a shipping envelope with the bra was in the mail just a couple of days later. It wasn't much over a week since the main order went in, and only two or three days after the second order. I thought surely the main order would arrive in a day or so. But it didn't. It took a few days for an order to reach the source by ordinary mail, maybe a few days for gift-wrapping and packing, then a week for delivery (again by ordinary mail). The SURPRISE wasn't the wait for the main order; it was the speed of the bra!

The larger box arrived on a day when Fran went out for dinner and a chat with her old friend Mary Anna. I waited until they left before I opened the box. It was great! Four dark-red boxes tied with dark-green raffia, elegant but sturdy! The boxes were each just the same, with a small note attached showing the item number. I decided to remove the labels, put small pencil numbers on the bottom for me to read, then present them SURPRISE! in the order most likely to please Fran.

I was hurrying because I didn't know when the women would be home. Which is probably why I found the four yellow stickers loose in my hand BEFORE I'D WRITTEN THE IDENTIFYING NUMBERS ON THE BOXES! I wanted her to receive them: l)the little cozy, 2) and 3)blouse & culottes, 4) the jacket which, if it fits, will be the star of the Show! BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS IN WHICH BOX. . .AND THEY WERE SECURELY TIED!. . .AND THE PARTY WAS ABOUT TO BEGIN! I tossed the boxes on the sofa in no order whatsoever as the door opened. Mary Anna said, "Hey there's four pretty boxes on the sofa!" And I knew sadly that Fran would open the jacket first and it would all be downhill from there.

I write this for my children, and especially my eldest son David who is the most happily married man I have ever known. I write this for monotheists, polytheists, and believers in all the tribal religions and I say know you this:

The forces of the Universe do not CONDEMN